A Visual Aid to Help Kids (and grown-ups) with Anger Management
No matter what age we are, we sometimes deal with feelings of frustration. The earlier in life we learn how to master our reactions to frustrations the better.
My children are 11 and 7. I'm sooo thankful for them! They are sweet and fun. Undoubtedly, it has been my greatest pleasure watching them grow and learn, including recently learning to master their reactions to frustrations. Hopefully, their ages are just right for learning this mastery.
I have to note how my oldest cherishes his brother so dearly. We were getting ready for bed recently and he just kissed his little brother's forehead as he fell asleep. He has such a huge heart. He loves all of us, but his brother is his baby.
My youngest is sweet, too! He leaves love notes around the house for us to find and often tells us he loves us "so so so so sooo much!"
They're also hilarious! My oldest has a quick sarcastic wit that I totally appreciate and my youngest is a ball of joy who cracks us up so often!
Long and short--they rock! I love writing about them and recognizing how great they are! Parents should gush about their kids more! Let's focus on the positive qualities in your kids (and all your loved ones) and magnify those qualities.
With that said, this is a post about dealing with frustrations in life...so yes, it's not all rainbows and bunny rabbits as my realist sister would say.
Yesterday, as we sat around the table doing remote school, voices got loud and words were hasty. I'm not sure what lead to the eruption, but needless to say, they were frustrated.
Taking the opportunity as a teachable moment and reaching for help, I said a quick prayer in my head. Then, I noticed a bowl of sweet peppers in the middle of the table. It occurred to me the striking visual. I reached for them and held up one of each: a yellow, an orange, and a red. Then explained...
The 3 levels of frustration:
1. Yellow
Peaceful, how you are when you're not frustrated. The bible only tells us to pursue a few things, one of them is peace. To chase after peace is to look for God's face.
We took turns "seeking" each other and looking for each other's face. Hehe! A simple way to remember this point.
Depart from evil, and do good; seek peace, and pursue it.
2. Orange
Beginning to feel frustrated. At this stage you can take note of your feelings and take steps to deal with frustrations. A simple and effective step would be to pray. All you have to do is simply ask for His help. Pray at all times. He will help you!
Then we read this verse:
Hebrews 13:5 (AMPC)
...be satisfied with your present [circumstances and with what you have]; for He [God] Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. [I will] not, [I will] not, [I will] not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor let [you] down (relax My hold on you)! [Assuredly not!]
This is by far my favorite thing about Our Father! He loves us no matter what. Take a moment to accept this truth. Even when we are frustrated? Even if it's for no good reason? Even when we go beyond this level of frustration? Yes to all.
3. Red
Full blown, loud voices, hurtful tones, and peaked feelings of frustration. Once we feel this frustrated, it can be hard to control ourselves. I cautioned the boys to find a place where you can calm down when in this step. Take deep breaths, pray (at all times), and remember what is truly important.
I watched a TedTalk about emotions (that I highly recommend) that I think everyone would benefit from. The orator, Dr. Joan Rosenberg, said that feelings come up and down like waves. She said we can wait out a feeling; they don't last forever. Ah, sigh of relief.
I also told the boys about how sometimes there can be holy anger. I told them about the story in Matthew 21 and John 2, of how Jesus became angry and frustrated about the way things were happening at the temple. Before He was our sacrifice for our sins, people had to sacrifice animals at the temple for their sins. The people that were in charge, however, weren't letting people bring their own animals to sacrifice and were charging outrageous amounts for other sacrificial animals so the people were practically getting robbed and they were just trying to atone for their sins. This led to a righteous anger that caused Jesus to clear the temple, overturning the tables, and scattering the money. He did this because He loves us and because of the "zeal for [His Father's] house." He is our perfect example, so there must be a right time to be angry and to take action, but tread carefully here. Cue James 1:
Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.
It is safe to say that most of time, we feel angry because we aren't getting what we want or something that doesn't produce the righteousness of God. So again, pray. He will guide you. He promises to give you wisdom when you ask for it. You can be sure of this.
I also learned from the TedTalk I mentioned earlier, that emotions aren't bad, they're just unpleasant. So, don't condemn yourself or anyone else for feeling angry. As long as we don't act on our unrighteous anger. There are ways to work out a win-win situation or compromise so that everyone is treated fairly.
Simplified steps for your kids to deal with frustrations:
Notice the cues that show you're becoming frustrated.
Faster heartbeat, faster breathing, louder voice
Take steps to control yourself (go from orange pepper to yellow.)
Pray, think of simple win-win solutions, ask a trusted adult for help
If you feel full-blown, red pepper frustrated,
Find a safe, calming place to collect yourself.
Pray, journal, read, fidget (play doh, bubbles, stress ball, etc. See resource links below)
Think of what is really important
Come back to it another time, talk to a trusted adult
Go easy on yourself, you are learning.
If you hurt someone in your anger, make amends where needed and know that with God's help you are growing little by little. It's the little things!
Parents, you are smart and resilient, and so are your kids! You can teach them what they need to succeed---and when they are older, they will not depart from it.
Love,
Your Sister in Christ
Check out these great resources below!